From: D One Subject: Graduation Date: Tue, 28 Apr 1998 07:15:55 GMT Exams were done Parties were going on everywhere. Some of the kids had already packed up and left. Some were going to a graduate course in Europe, others had escaped to the beach about five hundred miles south of our campus and still some just went home, not caring of grades only glad the year was done. And yet some of us still were there waiting for the ceremony, political speakers, family and friends to gather around us in a silly ceremony that meant so very much to all of them...all of us....me. But work wasn't finished quite yet either. I still had my paper to finish and submit. I knew it would be ok, but nevertheless I worked hard at it. My rommate Garth was still around too, though I didn't know why at the time. His term paper was finished, his exams done too. And he had talked about going home and coming back for the big day. Instead, he lingered on....packing boxes so slow I thought he had lost his memory. But day after day in the library preceeded night after night at my computer typing what I was sure was going to be the premise for my first book. While I lauged at my ego, it didn't make me stop. Garth would pull me away for pizza and beer, just like he did the first day I met him in our dorm room. He knew how to enjoy life. And I didn't. He knew how to make friends, and that was always difficult for me. He knew how to swim..I didn't. I know that sounds silly, but he took the time to teach me. And it opened an entire world of social activity and personal satisfaction for me. As a kid, I tried to learn but never quite achieved that goal. Other kids made fun or ignored me. I wan't a geek, but I was the last one chosen for gym class teams. I wasn't exactly the most coordinated person I guess. My work in psychology was outstanding and I played a mean piano. Actually that was one of my saving graces as a kid. I loved to play rock n roll on the keyboards..so my life wasn't totally without social acceptance. When I revealed that talent during our first winter in school, Garth showed his surprise and pride in me. And somehow that made me feel good I had something to show him too. I admit he was the brother I never had, the close friend I had always wished for and sometimes, the father that divorce had taken away from me as a young child. And secretly, I admitted only to myself, he was the stud I fantasized about. When you share a dorm room and even a fraternity house with others, you become close to them. You see them naked..not only physically but emotionally too. And you become family. For some of us without real families that means more then to those who came from a blood related one. I was the former. Guilt swept over me the night I first masturbated thinking of Garth naked except for the wet towel he wore after showering. Then in the moonlight he threw the towel aside and his smooth body line was mine to enjoy until he slid under his covers. But that guilt I felt then, became a memory of silliness and I gave myself pleasure often thinking of him and others I saw. We dated girls. And I had fun too. Nothing sexual of course..but skiiing, swimming, drinking, eating, movies, college parties...and the usual fraternity beer weekenders. It was Garth who got me to join the frat. And I did it rather then live in the dorm without him. At the time, I thought of him as a "brother" and somewhere deep inside me I knew I loved him. After graduation, I thought, I'd explore the sexual attraction I had to men. I'd even go to bars and dance...I loved to dance eventhough I looked clutsy doing it. And maybe, I'd fall in love with one or more sweaty young men on the dance floor. I'd think about it, dream about it..and almost always Garth's face would be among those anonymous ones I imagined sharing my kisses. During one trip home..I think it was my second or third year, I actually got up the nerve to drive into town one night and go inside a gay bar. I worried that others would see me, would know me, would tell on me..you know, the kind of silly fears we have that "first time". To my surprise, I didn't turn into a pillor of salt, nobody yelled out my name threatening to tell my mother or college professors. And the flop sweat I felt soon was replaced by the sweat that the normal heat of the bar caused. I drank, watched, listened even talked to one or two other guys. I wanted to tell someone, maybe Garth when I returned. In fact during my drive back tot he campus I rehearsed admitting to my best friend I was gay. I knew he'd accept it. Hell, I'm no dummy. I had read story after story about this process of coming out. How friends usually remain friends..even family who truly loved you would react a bit, but eventually accept you. And I read how some didn't as well. I was determined to force myself to grow up....and by the time i got to the campus I was ready. We sat in a bar, dowining pizza and beer. And I kept telling myself, "now is the time." But I never did. So here I was sitting at my desk, typing my psychology paper on "The Benefits of True Self psycho-analysis"..a subject I believed in. After all, I spent the past four years doing it ... Garth came in that one memorable evening, making more noise then usual. "Aren't you finished yet?" he asked like a kid wanting the car ride to be over by asking "are we there yet" over and over. "I'm just proofing it one more time" I said. "For Christ sake just push print and end it" he said. For some reason I did exactly what he said. It was going to be his final help to me I thought, just like all the other times he made me go, do, learn, accept, try, experiment, achieve, finish...so I did it. I stared at the screen as the little windows asked if I was sure. I wasn't but I kept hitting the enter key saying it was "OK". Finally the printer began to spew out pages. The cool breeze gusted across my bare chest and it chilled me. It was over....it was all over kept going through my head. The parties, the yelling, the cheerings, the games, the constant pressure of tests and classes, the swimming. Garth not only got me to learn to swim four years ago, but kept pulling me to the gym and putting on the smallest speedos I had ever seen with all the other students as we worked out, swam laps and compeated in the inter fraternity games we had year round. I feared my boner would be seen thru the flimsy cloth. The bodies around me were strong, beautiful, enticing, smooth, some hairy, some clean others tatooed. Mel Banner had a gold ring through one of his nipples. Everyone whispered things about him. But it turned out he wasn't a homo after all. Just different. Nobody pushed him around or talked about him out loud...mainly because he was friendly, and one hell of a good swimmer. I lauged at the times in the locker room I tried not to let my eyes wander around me seeing naked buttocks, penis and testicles. It all seemed so silly now. And I laughed when I realized that I could indeed look withouth staring and noticed then, everyone had mastered the same behavior as I. We're so silly, I thought. I sighed. Garth would probably celebrate with me that night dragging me to one of our favorite beer joints. And I'd hear his deep snoring from across the room for one last time as he slept the drunken state away. His hands landed on my shoulders sending shock waves through me. No matter how many times he had touched me, it felt the same..like electricity energizing me. "So you're really done huh?" I nodded. "No changes, classes, tests or nothing right?" I nodded more slowly. No, Garth soon. I'd be back where I was before I met him. Back at home waiting for my graduate year to begin across the state and I'd probably end up some kind of tweed jacketed professor staring into the bored faces of freshman just as I had been....but in my case trying not to stare at their smooth faces, smooth jean covered butts and protruding crotches. "Then it's time ... finally it's time. I dont' want you to say anything" Garth said. I nodded "yes". His hands began to massage my shoulders. Again, that wasnt the first time..and it felt good...so very good. My back was in knots from all the late nights at the computer. "From the first day I met you, I thought we'd be more then roommates..." "friends" I muttered "Shhhhh. More then friends too. Hell, I thought I could tell you anything and you could tell me anything too" God, I thought, he knows about me and wants me to confess. What a way to end our friendship, our college years..making all these months worthless. I would avoid this confrontation rather then loose his friendship. "At one point I almost wanted to come over to you and tear your covers off when I heard you jacking off" Oh shit, he wasn't going to let me off the hook at all. What a disaster. I tried to move. "No , I got to do this. You have to listen, you owe it to me." It was true. I owed him more then words could describe. He had helped me turn into an individual, one with a personality, with self assurance, with some pride and without him, I would have probably ended up as an accountant for the government or something. (My apologies if any of you are accountants). "But I figured what the hell, it's not worth it. You'd probably kick me out". I turned to face him. Garth was standing there in front of me wearing his usual favorite wet towel. The bulge that almost stared me in the face was something I had seen now and then...something I wished I could touch, kiss and suck. It wasn't as if I didn't know what to do with it. I had seen gay pornography the times I snuck into booths when in town. Or the books at the counters I had flipped through while nervously looking up to see who might walk in. Now and then I'd see a professor or someone from one of my classes there. The sex shop had toys and books for straights too..so I just quickly put down the gay magazine and grabbed a hetrosexual one nearby. Garth sat down as he pulled a chair to face me. "Kiddo, just promise you won't hate me" I looked at him differently. Garth was in some sort of turmoil and it confused me. He wasn't demanding I admit jacking off while watching him sleep, or whispering his name when I masturbated in the bathroom or pasted a photo of him over a gay porn book photo of a hunk more then once so I could really get into a fantasy or two. "I'm gay" he said in almost a whisper. I must have looked surprised or even shocked because his face twisted into that of a boy pleading. Garth had the most wonderful boyish face I had ever seen and he could never hide his emotions. His facial muscles would create the most expressive combinations I had ever seen. What his words didn't say, his face would..and it began right then. His hands rested on mine as if to prevent me from hitting him. I had always feared the opposite would happen if he found out about me. "It's ok" I said feeling strange and guilty at hearing my own words. "You sure?" he asked. I bent forward and kissed him on the lips. It wasn't a deep kiss, nor a 'kiss youraunt goodbye' type kiss. I'm not sure what it was, but I kissed him savoring the taste of his lips. We didn't speak. Our hands slid up each others arms and his moved to my face pulling me close for another and deeper kiss. I didn't say anything, I knew I should have. I just let him lead me into the hours of fantasies fulfilled that became that night. His fingers explored me, teased my nipples and cupped my balls. His towel seemed to vanish as did my shorts and we lay in the darnkess with only the sound of my computer printer churning out page after page of what I realized was pure babble. The deep breaths, moaning and sighing that combated the printer's noises were the true story. Our bodies responded and my sperm spilled into his mouth and mine onto my belly. We lay there in the dark..he started to move away and I kept him close. He didn't move. We slept and woke in the morning as if nothing had happened at first. He got up and grabbed his towel. "Gotta get a shower" he said without looking at me. I watched his round buttocks covered in terry cloth move away from me. What if he hated me for not telling him about me? What if he hated me for letting him suffer so that night? The printer light was still on. I walked to it not bothering to pull on my shorts. Garth always kidded me about being so modest even when we were laone in our room. I turned off the printer and looked at the stack of pages I'd be delivering to my professor's office later that day. I looked out into the hallway. It was silent except for the sounds of the shower water that Garth had turned on. Still naked I walked from our room and down the hall. I didn't look around to see if anyone elses room door was opened, if any of our frat brothers were around. Most weren't I knew..but I didn't care if they were. The bathroom was empty and I pissed at first...as if to think about what I was about to do. Then I flushed and moved into the shower room. Garth stood there soaping himself. He looked up and didn't reveal any emotion. His face was expressionless. No usual smile or quit witted comment. He went back to his shower as if I wasn't even there. But I was. Finally, I was there. I took the soap from his hands and began to lather his back....I didn't spread the soap, I used it to slicken my exploring fingers...finally learning the actual body convolutions I had seen, dreamed about , occasionally gotten a feel of when wrestling around..but that day I was feeling him. He turned to face me and started to talk. I stopped him with a kiss and began to explore his face, neck, chest, belly , crotch legs and then dropped the soap as I encircled his body with my arms. He couldn't see it, but I was crying. But Garth heard it. "Wha....buddy..wha" he asked amidst the water splattering against his lips. "me to.." admitted "for years" I added before he asked. I needed to tell him everything. We lay on the grass enjoying hte sun on our bare legs and chests. The sun was setting by the time we had exhausted ourselves, emotionally and physically admitting to everything. I got the paper to the professors office just as he was leaving. "What's this?" he asked. "Just a bunch of bullshit." I admitted. "If that's the way you feel" he started to say I wanted to say "I was kidding" less he think I meant what I said but he went on. ", then you have learned more then I thought. I don't even need to read this do I?" he asked with a broad smile. Garth stood behind me. The professor looked at him and smiled wider. "You two finally get together?" he asked. I blushed. Garth had been talking to this psychologist, I realized. "yea finally...wasted so much time" I said to him and loud enough so Garth heard me too. "You're young, there's lots of time....hell there's always time, until there isn't any left" the professor said and walked away. Garth and I went to our favorite pizza place. We ate and drank, recalling some of the silly things we had done over the past four years. Some others joined us and added their own stories. But they left. And Garth and I stayed..one last night because we knew it would be the last. We shared the night again trying different ways to enjoy each other. My first time with some of those things..but nothing hurt, it all was wonderful. Graduation came and went. Garth and I posed for our families' photo taking. We pulled our frat brothers into the shots less they dissappear from our lives. And we kissed each other right there in front of everyone. There wasn't any shocking gasps, or stunning silence...just some laugther and clicking of cameras. They probably thought we were horsing around like always. But we weren't wasting time anymore. The closet door kept opening and opening until eventually our friends and families knew everything. But more importantly, we knew. By the fall, we'd be together for as long as life let us. There was no more time to waste.